04 December 2012

The Inanity of DateHookup: Cato and Chewie respond to status updates

[We take a break from our regularly-scheduled series to bring you something that really gets on Cato and Chewie's nerves...]

As some of you may already know, DateHookup is one of those free sites that's full of single mums, entitlement princesses, slutty escorts, and all sorts of weird people under the sun. They also allow a user to post a short "status" that's visible to their target demographic. Just to give you an idea of some of the more inane things said, here's a few that were found between 3-4 December 2012. Keep in mind that these "charming" females are all in their early to mid twenties (just like Cato and Chewie).

Usernames have been pulled out for obvious reasons...

Girl #1 says:
"So id like to find a really cute local good guy for my friend its time someone finally treated her right. Interested?"

[Cato's retort: "Yea, how about you tell your friend to quit being such a chicken$h1t and get her arse on here for herself? IDIOT!"]

Girl #2 says:

"Wish I had a man to cook me breakfast nd cuddle up with hopefully that day will come!!!!!"

[Cato's retort: "And I wish I had $50 million, a Lear jet, and my own private isle in the Florida Keys. What's your point?"]

Chewie says: "Note the disparity between her username and what she asks for. Also, if she's even halfway attractive, she could get a man to do that EASILY. Plenty of men would jump at the chance of a good cuddle and some breakfast with a decent woman. The trouble is, her status shows her as needy and whiny--not attractive qualities."

Girl #3 says:

"breakenhearted :( "

[Now, before Cato launches his retort, consider her profile text:

"I like white guys im a singke mother of 2 wonderful kids I love to spend time with them going out even when im broke. My last guy I was with really ruined things for me n them so now im slowly working on getting my life back together from the very lowest of the low. I dont exspect anyone to provide gor my kids except myself,althought my family is helping me big time right now do to my situation. If u want to know anything else just ask"

Looking at her pictures, the only thing she has to offer are her large breasts (which are likely somewhat saggy after having two children). Further: she's 26, has no more than a high school education, and works in a restaurant. From the sounds of it, I'd say she sounds like your typical white "welfare mum"

And now Cato's retort: "So, you chose each of those guys, and you also chose to do things that led you to getting pregnant and having children not once, BUT TWICE. And now you expect some guy to take sympathy for you because you're 'brokenhearted?' Forget it. You screwed up big time and now you get to pay the price…"]

Chewie says: "She must be hitting the wall. Life certainly sucks when you can't attract the men like you used to..."

Girl #4 says:

"I must say im sick of this site and these lame a** old men trying to get sex. Go f**k yourself! jagg off or sum. wtf!"

[Cato's retort: "Look at where you are. You're a 26 year old single mother who posts pictures of your bared navel and of your kids on a site called 'DateHookup.' Your profile description just says that you're 'single and looking for that special someone.' It seems to reason that the only thing that you do seem to offer via your profile is your body. THUS, DO YOU REALLY EXPECT TO FIND A 'DECENT' MAN HERE WHO'D GIVE YOU A MEAL TICKET JUST ON THAT? NO!"]

Girl #4 then says (a bit later):

"IF u r a CHESTER or even have chester ways stay off my page!"

[Cato's second retort: "Sure, we get it. No predators. That goes without saying. HOW ABOUT USING DECENT ENGLISH FOR ONCE INSTEAD OF SOUNDING LIKE A SEMI-LITERATE DIPSTICK."]

What Cato said here. Saying nothing on your profile will guarantee you permanent residence in Singlesville.

Girl #5 says:

"like seriously y cant i find a descent guy on this website all these men on her just want to have sex on this dam website like really im not that type of female that lets dudes do w.e smdh pathetic"

[Cato's retort: "Your profile says absolutely nothing about what you offer a man besides your breasts and vagina. Most of your pictures show off your cleavage. And most of your profile-friends appear to have the stereotypical 'douchebag' look. Obviously, what you're doing ISN'T working…"]

Chewie says: "Same as above."

Girl #6 says:

"i love how u guys say u want sumthing real... but yet when i write u... u judge me and say yr not intrested or just delete my messages. be real once and give a chance and stop f*cking judgin me"

[Cato's retort: "Like so many other female denizens of DateHookup, you're a semi-literate female with bloated expectations. Moreover, dollars to doughnuts would say that you do the same thing to guys who try talking to you. This what most of us guys have to deal with repeatedly. And you see it a couple of times. Because life's SOOOOOO unfair...]

Chewie says: "Hi there, solipsism. While I agree that not responding to messages or deleting them is a bit rude, what's wrong with someone saying he's not interested? It sounds polite enough to me, especially when plenty of women routinely write things like, "If I don't reply to you, it means I'm not interested. Deal with it." You need to face the reality that not everyone you like will like you."

Again, whining doesn't do anyone any favors.

Girl #7 says:

"We have all faced rejection at some point in life. However that doesn't matter, what does is how you react."

[Cato's reply: "Could this be...AN ACT OF FLAGRANT SANITY?!?"]

Chewie says: Wow, we may have someone with a semblance of rational thought here. Good her to understand that we must deal with our problems as they come. Now comes the next step: doing something about the problem.

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