28 March 2013

On Red Flags in Profiles -- Part IV

[Here continues the RED FLAGS post as the fourth part]

#21: Materialistic or selfish wants

Notes: This one plays out somewhat differently based on the sexes. With guys, it tends to be more along physical traits and/or sexual lines. With the girls, it tends to be more materialistic and status-based (but not always).

Against Guys: The profile makes it clear that the owner is picky on bra/breast size, hip-to-waist ratio, sexual availability, etc.

Against Girls: Implying a want of someone who's "financially independent," especially if they clarify with flags 9-10.

Why it's a RED FLAG: This one's a BIG hint that the profile owner prioritises how they see themselves and how they feel as opposed to being willing to look at the big picture. In short, this one's a likely clue that they're "worldly" and want a date not based on the person, but rather want someone they can use to gain some status and ego boosts for their self.

Male Resolution: Look, we know that most guys have an implicit "No fatties" rule, want a girl with at least decent-sized breasts and at a reasonable weight, and want a girl who'll actually put out for them. It really doesn't need to be said, so yank it.

Female Resolution: Drop the material-girl persona. If you only want "filthy rich" men dating you, go to a website that specialises in matching to wealthy men. If however you mean "financially independent" more along the lines of "he's got his affairs in order; he's got a job, a car (or public transit in the big city), and he's not living in his parents' basement" then just say so.

#22: Appears to wear their insecurities and/or heart on their sleeve

Notes: It's true that nobody's perfect and that everyone's got insecurities. Goodness knows that both Chewie and I both have loads of them.

Why it's a RED FLAG: Somebody with a thin skin tends to cause a lot of stress and the feeling of "walking on eggshells" around them. Over time, this gets to A LOT of people, and many cannot handle that indefinitely.

Resolution: Get rid of it from the profile. It might also help to "toughen up" a bit or learn to take more things in stride.

#23: Admits or strongly implies that they're not ready to engage in a stable long-term relationship 

Notes: This one's a stronger and a little more generalised version of flags #7 and 22. It may also not be explicitly stated, but hinted through apparent immaturity--so it may also manifest itself as or concurrent with flags #18 and/or 22.

Why it's a RED FLAG: Nobody wants to babysit someone who's actually supposed to be acting like an adult.

Resolution: At the very least, drop those things off the profile. Otherwise, you might want to seriously reconsider whether now's a good time to be looking for a relationship.

#24: Saying "I'm giving this a try" 

Why it's a RED FLAG: It's quite negative when you think about it. It can also be seen as somewhat condescending. Both of which tend to be turn-offs. Few people are looking for "Debbie Downer" or "Negative Ned." Besides, everyone that's on the site is "giving it a try" anyways, so it's redundant as well.

Resolution: Just don't say that. Period.

#25: Poor grammar, spelling, mechanics, etc.

Notes: This also includes things like "l33t" and txt-speak.

Why it's a RED FLAG: It often strongly implies that the profile owner is not only possibly uneducated, but also doesn't care about themselves in terms of how they appear to other people (in this case, they appear quite sloppy and/or lazy)

Situations when it's NOT (necessarily) a RED FLAG: When it's clear that the profile owner is not a native English speaker. Or if the site's mobile-only and one's strictly limited to 160 characters or less.

Resolution: In most cases, there's little excuse for this. Why? Most people have access to computers and thus a word-processor that has decent spellcheck and grammar-checking tools. If in doubt, copy-and-paste it into a word-processor and run spelling and grammar checks.

#26: Female paints herself as sarcastic/sassy, sore-loser, loud, brash, etc.  

Notes: This one's another "female-only" flag, and focuses on women who try to display traits that are typically masculine in nature.

Why it's a RED FLAG: These aren't often seen as attractive qualities for a woman to have in terms of a relationship; they tend to suggest that such a woman is mannish and/or a "ball-buster." In short, it sends the message that this woman is rather unpleasant to be around.

Resolution: Get rid of those things and try to think of more feminine traits to describe you and show value.

#27: Saying "Someone who can look at me and see the good" / "someone who won't judge me for my body/wallet"

Why it's a RED FLAG: It strongly implies poor decision-making with regards to relationships, and can also suggest desperation.

Resolution: Reword it as "I'm only interested in people who genuinely care about other people, and aren't just looking out for themselves."

Go back to Part III

Go to Part V

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