09 June 2013

One Website's Cheating Tips

While browsing around and working on the "Alpha Lays and Beta Pays" series, I ran across one site (which will remain unnamed here) and found that they had a list of tips for people who are cheating. Of course, this was intertwined with paid-subscription products that this particular site offers.

Some of the "tips" listed are things we agree with, insofar as they are practical considerations for anyone using any sort of dating service. It bears repeating that we here at Random Plebeians refuse to endorse, condone, or support infidelity; we strongly urge those people to do the honourable thing and either forsake the temptation or end the current relationship.

Without further ado, we've decided to repost those tips and offer some commentary:

Cheating Tips

It can be exciting to have an affair. However, it takes more planning and forethought to ensure it stays secret. Here are some tips to help you get started:

Use <site> to exchange email, rather than on a personal account.

[Cato's comment: Actually, sending messages for a bit through any dating site's "in-house" messaging system is generally a good idea before exchanging other email addresses. Let us also say that it might not be a bad idea to get a free webmail address and use it for dating sites. That way, if things don't turn out or they decide to spam you, you can in theory dispose of the free email.]

Chat on the phone <via site phone-number service, followed by short sales pitch>

[Cato's comment: Like email, chatting on the phone or videocalling isn't a bad idea before contact. Of course, the whole bit about secrecy we're not sure about buying given our stance on infidelity.]

Before you make contact, check out a member's complete profile, since it will help you determine chemistry.

[Cato's comment: Another sage bit of advice. While a picture does tell a thousand words, it does not tell the entire story. This is why a decent and honest profile is a must.]

Ask to see a current photo before agreeing to meet in person. <short sales pitch here>

[Cato's comment: If one tries to stay current on their photos, this shouldn't be an issue. Really, about the only time one can get away with older photos is if one really doesn't change that much in basic appearance, and even then it's better to try to get the photos reasonably up to date.]

<This entire point is a sales pitch for a premium service this site offers, so we're omitting it>

If an appealing member winks at you, wink back! Or, better yet, send a personalized email, one that shows you've reviewed their full profile.

[Cato's comment: this one really should be common-sense. Seriously.]

First contacts are usually made via email so make sure yours are appealing. List common interests and try to get a reply by ending with a good question.

[Cato's comment: We also believe that you shouldn't write a novel (believe us, we've tried in the past and it doesn't work). Keep it short and simple, and yes, you should demonstrate that you've at least read through their profile instead of drooling over their pictures.]

[Chewie's comment: As a general dating tip, do not fawn over the pictures like a sycophant. Compliments are fine to give as long as they are sincere. Compliment because you want to, not because you think it will help "win her over." There is nothing wrong with writing, "Your blue shirt really brings out your eyes. It looks nice!" Contrast that with, "Wow, you're so beautiful! You're just perfect!" The first compliment offers a concrete example and the second one gives a platitude.]

<Site premium> memberships show that you have money to invest in a relationship, plus they give you access to complete member profiles and full email privileges.

[Cato's comment: this is often true. But it can also backfire immensely, as it can also signal that you're desperate enough to continually shove fistfuls of money to sites just to pick someone up. Caveat emptor is the key...]

<This and the next point are also sales pitches for premium services the site offers, so we're omitting them as well...>

Consider getting a second cell phone, keeping it in a secret location, and muting the ringer when not expecting a call.

[Cato's comment: unless you happen to share your phone for work or school and it's owned by your employer or school, this really isn't a good idea as these phones can often be found by a PI, police officer, or journalist worth his or her salt.

Chewie's comment: A second phone? Sure, I'd love another non-necessary expense. Sign me right up.]

If you want to keep a relationship secret, then consider dating only married people, since they're especially motivated to be discreet.

[Cato's comment: unless you're doing shady, immoral, and/or illegal things (like cheating on your partner or spouse, this really isn't necessary. Few people are going to care for more than 5 minutes if you're dating and having sex with somebody.

[Chewie's comment: Yes, because dating married and playing the homewrecker's something to aspire to.  More than a few marriages have ended because one spouse strayed; is causing a divorce something to have on someone's conscience?]

An affair is less likely to be discovered if it's with someone your spouse does not know.

[Cato's comment: in a sense, we would agree with a modification of this principle: date people that your exes aren't as likely to know. As for spouses? We'll say it one more time: DON'T DO IT.]

Avoid running into people your spouse knows by taking your mate to different restaurants, clubs, etc.

[Cato's comment: it might be easier to take a new date to places that won't easily remind you of your exes. Again with the cheating, JUST DON'T.]

If you're going to get physical, take a shower afterwards so there is no lingering scent of a lover.

[Cato's comment: makes sense if you're seeing your partner or spouse and then have to be somewhere. After all, it's awkward to look and smell like you just had hot monkey sex when you've got an interview or a meeting in the boardroom.]

Keep a change of clothes in your car's trunk - perhaps exercise attire in a gym bag - in case your clothing smells of cologne or has lipstick on it.

[Cato's comment: Meh, this isn't too bad, but having an affair should not be the motivating reason for doing so. I've been known to keep a set of work clothes on rotation in the car just in case I'm somewhere and get paged into work...]

After seeing your mate, check your car and clothing to ensure they're free from incriminating items - like condoms, or a note with a name and phone number.

[Cato's comment: because there's NOTHING quite like having police or customs agents sweep through your car and find that stuff, even if what you did was "street legal." This of course saying nothing of having your partner or spouse rip apart your car looking for naughty clues.]

Do not arouse suspicions by neglecting your spouse. Also, keep your routine normal and come home at a reasonable hour.

[Cato's comment: we'll do one better: THOU SHALT NOT CHEAT. Seriously, it's better to just grow a pair and break it off if you're that anxious to see someone else.]

Remember that the best way to keep a secret is not to tell anyone about it.

[Cato's comment: Ah yes, here's another way of saying the old line of "three people can keep a secret, but only if two of them are dead"]


Now that that's over and done with, let's stress two things: We wrote about this article purely for our own amusement. We find it absurd that people even propagate such advice. And to say this one more time: If you're in a relationship and feel like it's not going to work out--for any reason--do not, repeat, do not cheat on your significant other. Do the ethical thing and end the relationship. For those of you who are unmarried, I'll relate something my grandfather once said, which is, "You're not married until you say 'I do.'" For those  of you who are married and want to end it, well, good luck with the divorce proceedings.

 It is sad that I'm even writing such a thing. It's even sadder that someone out there's thinking up "How to cheat" articles because this society's already damaged enough from lovers hurting one another. 

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